i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
40s are totally the cure
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
