I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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