i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
