I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
