Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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