The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
