dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
