I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
