She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
