I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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