i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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