sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
