speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
