so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How's work?
Spinning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
