Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
