alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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