Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
