did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
