did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
