He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
