im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
