mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
