He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just invented taco cereal.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize