Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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