Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
