I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize