i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
