i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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