I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
