Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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