Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize