nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
