failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
