I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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