how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
