I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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