I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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