I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
