And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
