Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
