I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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