I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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