I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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