I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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