Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
