I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
