Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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