Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
