I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
