I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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