It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize