Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
