Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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