Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
