Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
