I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
