My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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