I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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