It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize