Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
