At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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