Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
