he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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