I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
