I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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