I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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