I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
