it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
