You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's even glitter on my cock...
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