why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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