Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
