new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
