You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
