just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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