i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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